World's Oldest Virgin!

[SCBEDM]

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that you don't have crabs,... the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"

[SCBEDM]

SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR CHILD RIGHT!

One Nation, "Under GOD"

One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The Teacher was explaining evolution to the children. The Teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY:           Yes.

TEACHER:        Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY:           Yes.

TEACHER:        Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY:           Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER:        Did you see GOD?

TOMMY:           No.

TEACHER:       That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there.

                       HE just doesn't exist.


A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed  the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY:            Yes.

LITTLE GIRL:  Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY:            Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL:   Did you see the sky?

TOMMY:            Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL:  Tommy, do you see the Teacher?

TOMMY:            Yes

LITTLE GIRL:   Do you see her brain?

TOMMY:             No

LITTLE  GIRL:  Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one..........

Don't forget to pass this on! I love this one. Everyone should send this to everyone they know, especially today with prayer restricted in schools.

[SCBEDM]

Nag! Nag! Nag!

     An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day
     trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright,
     who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

     His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
     and he was feeling tired and depressed. His wife started in on him as
     soon as he arrived home.

     "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and
     on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
     ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whiskey and headed off
     for a long hot bath.

     While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife
     answered and was told that her husband 's client had just been given
     a last minute stay of execution.


     Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went
     upstairs to give him the good news.

     As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of
     her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and
     feet.

          "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

     The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For
     crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

[SCBEDM]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him, and he says, "Hello". He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"  She says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She replies, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher"

[SCBEDM]

Dopey

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE Seven Dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?

Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope "Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,
tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting!
"Dopey screwed a penguin!".....
"Dopey screwed a penguin!".....

[SCBEDM]

Halloween Party
 

   
   A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache  and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.  
 
 The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.  
 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his  time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.  
 
Finally, he  whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.  
 
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

[Oo-v-oO]

    The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For
     crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

    Good one!

[Nasmac]

DOpey screwed a penguin... Dopey screwed a penguin....

[DeafBug]

Don't forget to pass this on! I love this one. Everyone should send this to everyone they know, especially today with prayer restricted in schools.

Done.

I remember the days we would pledge to the flag first thing in the morning.

[GeWilli]

"Dopey screwed a penguin!".....

that is funny

[Toy]

- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Womens games gone bad.

[BRBarian]

- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Womens games gone bad.

They changed the punch line... The original punchline was "I loaned my costume to my father"...which is a hell of a lot funnier.

[papaimp]

Yeah, everybody takes their Dad to costume parties!
 
Should we take your word for it, or just assume you're assuming you've heard the joke from it's originator?

[BRBarian]

Yeah, everybody takes their Dad to costume parties!
 
Should we take your word for it, or just assume you're assuming you've heard the joke from it's originator?

It's a rather old joke...Here's a version from 5 year ago you might like.

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/Jokes112000.html

[Oo-v-oO]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed  monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's  business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,  but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however,  when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his  old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She  emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would  know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a  moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He  said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in  front of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.